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Our first son
We thought we were bringing home a dog. Instead, we brought home a best friend, a constant companion, and a member of our family. This is the story of Cosmo, our first son.
Me and my wife got married in 2017. Usually when that happens, most people have kids. We decided to get a dog instead, because we had some problems having kids of our own. Back in those days, to get in a better mood, we both watched pictures of puppies and dogs.
The breed was decided long before we even got married. We did our due diligence and found this beautiful little French bulldog called Danny af Buttle. He was born in spring of 2018 and we received a few pictures and videos of him playing around with his siblings. When a picture or video arrived, both me and my wife had a childlike anticipation to finally meet him and be with him!
We prepared for his arrival by buying some toys, beds, food and a dog cage. The dealer helped us install the cage in our brand new car, an Audi A3. I didn’t know how to do it because I had no experience with either cars or dog cages. It was so easy to do and I remember being a bit ashamed of not knowing how to do that.
I took to reading, I knew all there was to know about dog traning. I read somewhere that dogs, just like kids, need to be potty trained. To avoid any accidents, I took a roll of foam underlayment and rolled it all over the floor in our apartment.
The day finally came, me and my wife sat in our car, and set a heading towards Oskarshamn, where we would meet the breeder that traveled by boat from Gotland. The trip of roughly 200 km up to Oskarshamn went by so fast, and suddenly we were there, it felt like teleportation. We parked our car at the terminal and waited quietly for the breeder to arrive.
It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect, with a little breeze on the side. A perfect Swedish summer day.
She arrived and opened up the cage, in her hand, she held the sweetest little thing I’ve have ever seen. The pictures didn’t do him justice. He was so small, cute and helpless. His flappy bulldog ears were too big for his head. The breeder put him down on his feet against the asphalt and he followed her with admiration. We called out his name and his attention moved towards us. My wife picked him up and played around with him, while I showed off our brand new cage.
Me and my wife switched places, she did all the paperwork with the breeder and I played around with him. He was so small and he smelled like hay. We didn’t have the heart to put him in the cage. He’d be all alone, by himself with two strangers he never met before. My wife instead took him in her arms and sat in the passenger seat, while I drove. It was so hard to focus on driving, so we decided to take a small pause.
He pee-d and he pooped. We became friends instantly. He was so smart and gentle. When we eventually came back home, he made sure to sniff the entire apartment. We both noticed that he was a bit shy and wanted to be alone, so we put him in the dog bed and let him rest from a long day of events. We decided not to keep the name from his breeder. Danny sounded wrong, so we went with something else: Cosmo! His name is inspired by “Doktor Kosmos”, a childrens tv-show where the actor Mikael Riesebeck helped animals in need.
A few days passed and it felt like he was meant to be with us. I played some loud clips of fireworks to get him accustomed to loud noises. We took the cage in and my wife stacked some Harry Potter books to form a stair, so that he could enter. He didn’t like the cage. But this is a good cage, that is designed to keep him safe from harm! We put some candies in there and left the door open. After a few days, he seemed to enjoy being there and he entered all on his own.
During that summer, we went on road trips and many dog walks. We taught him to avoid obstacles, high-five, catch, follow and many more commands. The underlying foam? It lasted for a week and was never used. Cosmo knew that peeing and pooping was only allowed outside.
Eventually, we both had to go back to work.
My “boss” at the time, Anna, allowed me to bring Cosmo to work. I will forever be grateful to her for letting me bring him with me. He spread joy from day one. A few of my colleagues had some mini-fights on who was so supposed to bring him for a walk. We played with him when we could and whenever someone needed support or comfort, Cosmo was there to listen. He was not only a great listener, but also an excellent communicator. I don’t know how he did it, but sometimes I felt like we understood each other telepathically.
The little apartment we rented started to feel a bit cramped. So we decided to look for a larger home. To make a long story short, we eventually built a home. We found a beautiful lot on the countryside, near the Swedish archipelago. Cosmo was with us all the way, from paperwork to final inspection. The day we moved in and I saw him playing on the meadows was one of the best days of my life.
Cosmo could be a bad boy too. He had this obsession with hares, more specifically: He loved to eat their poop and to chase them. One winter, when the snow was about half a meter, he broke leash and chased a hare. We couldn’t find him for hours. When we eventually found him, he was bloody around the nose, but that bad boy had the best day of his life. He never did that again.
The days passed, seasons changed, we all got older and wiser. But Cosmo got sick. We were so worried. He started to shake uncontrollably and he lost his balance. It was awful to witness someone you love being in pain. I took him to the vet and got referred to a neurologist. Cosmos diagnosis was syringomyelia. It is disorder where a cyst forms inside the upper spinal cord. His prognosis was good and the prescribed meds proved to be helpful. But unfortunately after a few months, he lost some function in his legs.
He never fully recovered from that. But he was still as happy as ever. He loved everyone and everything, even though he had a condition.
On march 16th 2026 my wife gave birth to our son. I jokingly call him the “second son”, because Cosmo was my first. When Cosmo met him, he was so gentle and he knew that this was going to be his new best friend.
But something was going on with Cosmo. Neither me nor my wife could put a finger on it. He felt off and needed to rest. I went to the vet and everything seemed normal.
On sunday that week, I had a nightmare where Cosmo passed. I told my wife and she dismissed it, “It’s just a nightmare”, she said. She was right. Nothing to worry about.
Two days later, his health took a turn for the worse. We rushed to the vet and they found a scar on his right eye. He was prescribed some eyedrops and once those drops touched his eye, it felt like he was back in the game. When the effects of the medication wore off in the middle of the night, he started to feel sick again. He was disoriented. My heart skipped a beat when I realised that this could be the end.
I stayed with him all night, I hugged him and told him that everything was going to be okay.
I drove him to the vet first thing in the morning and while we were there, his condition worsened. His eye was closed and his head was tilted. The vet told me what I already knew. She gave me the option to continue treatment but I knew that this would only stuff him with more meds, pain and suffering. I couldn’t. We couldn’t.
He was given a sedative and two syringes of unknown gel-like fluid. I heard him snooze. For a moment, everything felt normal, he was sleeping, he was resting. A few moments later the vet said that his heart stopped beating.
We put him gently in a white cardboard casket, designed for dogs. I lifted him up, and walked some heavy steps towards the car.
I looked at the cage, the very same cage we bought from the dealer 8 years ago. It was empty. No doggo inside.
It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect, with a little breeze on the side.
Just like the day we first met him.
I cried all the way back home. I placed his casked on our patio and started to dig a hole in the ground. His final resting place in the meadow which he loved so much. Me, my wife and my second son had a small ceremony. I filled the hole with dirt and my wife planted some flowers.
I feel so lost.
I am afraid of the future. It is so bleak and dark with everything bad going on in the world. We’re chasing this heartless, cold, AI techno dream, when we instead should focus on life, on each other. That’s what makes us unique. The love we have, and should have for one and other.
My best friend is gone. The pain and sadness I feel cannot be described. The house he helped to build feels empty. I don’t have the heart, nor strength to move his things. I see his shadow everywhere. No one eats the left over food. No one eats at all.
Two days have passed since he was laid to rest. I visit his grave every morning. I sit next to him and I remind him of much he is loved. Then, I go for a morning walk, the same walk we did every morning, to honor his short, but meaningful life.
Today is my birthday. I miss him so much. I wish he was here with me again.
I love you my boy.
